"This above all: to thine own self be true" William Shakespeare

The dating saga continues but first a little back story. I never really dated much as a young woman I dated two men and married both. So dating is really sort of new to me. The concept of dating more than one man at a time seems foreign and uncomfortable though I know many do it and are comfortable with seeing multiple men or women at the same time. That is not for me I only have enough head space for one man at a time.

In comes my next date let's call him Diamond. He seems nice enough and fairly good looking. So we agree to meet for coffee. It goes well enough and we again agree to do something the next day. Actually, he wanted to continue our late afternoon coffee date in to a dinner date but I wasn't ready to spend that much time with him. That should have been my first clue. The next day we spend a day in Napa first having lunch, then a walk to a sweet little patisserie, and finished the day with Sangria at ZuZu's. BTW The Sangria was yummy. Before I knew it he is making plans for us to go away for the Memorial Day weekend. And, like a dummy I agree even though my head is telling me this is not a good idea. I mean I don't even really know this guy. So, two days later I let him know that I am not up to going away with him and that even though I said I was ready to open my heart to someone new I in reality am not all that ready.

He is disappointed but kind about the whole thing. Fast forward to the weekend and he asks me to come to his place for dinner and I think well maybe I should give it the ole college try. I share my location with my son so he knows where I will be just in case this guy is a serial killer. I by the way watch way too many episodes of Dateline. 

I arrive safely to his home to find it less than appealing and I am surprised at the state it is in because the way he described it I pictured something very different. It smells like my Uncle Rudy's old house. I text my son and tell him that and he replies with a laughing emoji and, " you mean like moth balls and Pinesol?" " Oh mom I am sorry."

Diamond is dressed like my uncle too and he begins to give me tour of his vegetable garden. That smacks of Uncle Rudy too. He pours me his homemade Sangria which is good but not as good as ZuZu's. I am thinking I am gonna need a few of these to make it through this dinner. I want out of here now. Maybe if he uses the restroom I can run. I am considering how many feet it is to my car.

I spot an old black and white photo on the fireplace mantel. I ask, " is that you?" When he replies yes I laugh and say you look like Richard Rameriz the serial killer. And, he reminds me that he likes to make love not war. Yeah, buddy that is what I am afraid of.

Dinner is done and he invites me to sit on the sofa where he proceeds to put on some music. Tom Jones to exact. I know what is coming next as he places his hand on my knee. My stomach clenches and I know I can not do this, this thing that immediately invokes past trauma. I quickly, let him know that it is not going to happen and I must be getting home to my dog Lucy. Ah..he says really? Yep, so sorry gotta go now.

Then he is almost begging for just a peek a touch. Oh, man what is with men. Why does it always come down to the sex. 

Time to go, this lady is done, and I have never been so happy to be on the freeway back home.

Lesson learned. 

I don't think I like dating and I am not sure I even want a new man in my life because dear reader to be perfectly honest I still love my husband. Well, my ex-husband. I mean fuck we spent over thirty years building a life together. How do I let that go? 

 He left me so it wasn't my choice and as angry and hurt as I was when he did leave I still hold him in my heart and until I can let him go I don't think dating is the answer. But, my motto has always been never say never. 

And for now to my own self I will be true.